Old emotional leftovers that need to be composted. I have done injury to a dear, kindred spirit because my heart has been putrified by arrogance, vanity and judgmental senses. I have allowed my heart to hide behind faulty defenses and it has not been healing. Saturn cracks his whip across my back.
Saturn, crack your whip against my vain flesh until I am bent and humble, unassuming. Scourge my heart into gentleness. Tame me to be receptive and honest. Let me live up to my name. Let me be myself. I lay my vain flesh down and let the coyotes drag my body to the forest. they tear me into ribbons, the worms and flies free my molecules and the rain washes me into the earth. I am taken up in the roots of trees, into the leaves, devoured by caterpillars, fed to robin chicks, preyed upon by red-tailed hawks. Be humble. Be Kind. Be curious. I release my vanity. The vanity of my sex. The vanity of women that causes them to do strange things to themselves. The vanity that causes me to judge other souls who I have no way of ever truly empathizing with. The vanity that leaves me unguarded and vicious like an animal that attacks its own reflection. The nature in me which scoffs at grace and lashes out at vulnerability. The vanity which expects and demands from those around me, not allowing myself to cope with pain but denying the healing that comes through the injury.
I unwittingly subjected myself to the role of victim. I focused on my injury and did not try to understand it. A learning process, this is what pain exists for. Pain, you are my teacher. Dismiss my vanity until I have become your attentive, unwavering pupil. I embrace pain with open arms. When my mind balks at the nearness of pain, let me humble myself unto it. If you come to visit me I know it is a blessing because in your presence is the opportunity to gain wisdom. Let me live honestly by embracing the pain I have caused to myself. I have become master in my life if I own all pain that I feel. If I attribute my pain to others I am assigning them power which they truly do not have. In my mind I make myself a slave. The pain is my friend, like a zealous teacher who wants to prepare me for important tasks. These tasks I must prepare for. If I do not allow pain to train me, I will not recognize these opportunities and will not thrive or grow. The stagnation that ensues after missing the opportunities will stifle my soul further. In pain is wisdom and preparation. I cannot make things right, I can only respect pain and move forward with the lesson. My pain spread to others cannot be undone, but can be forgiven if I allow the lesson to be completed. I choose to be conscious to my pain, in my pain, awake and receptive to the lesson so my personal culture may develop. Denying the pain is denying the progression of the self. Let me not grow over confident that my understanding of pain dims. Let me not be foolish enough to think because I know pain brings wisdom that it is somehow more tolerable. My heart is not out of the thicket yet. The place of pain is still at the driver's seat. There are more changes that I will endure, growing pains and stretch marks. One day I will be able to say, My heart is a desert waiting for the rains, waiting to burst forth with colors and joy and life. Someday I will be unafraid, will give myself wholly over to love.
Focusing on injury creates a false sense of entitlement. I began to think I was owed something, began to blame others for negativity I had allowed in my life. I felt like I deserved to be treated better, became vain, focused on only myself, unable to empathize, an issuance of bitterness, a broken vessel that leaked and created a staining mass. Where did my love for my friends go? -to my jealously and resentment. Where did my patience with my children go? -to my selfishness and pride. Where did my gentle nature go? -to self-abuse and abuse of others in the guise of defensiveness. My friends, my children, my family, please forgive me. Let me learn to serve you and grow back into my heart, let my love grow back into my being.
Think a positive thought about everything. At least one positive thought. This will do no damage to you or anyone but will begin to train my mind to patterned thinking which increases love and understanding while reducing the arrogance, vanity and judgment I wish to purge, or at least control. I do not want to do damage. It helps no one.
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